September 1, 2022
Tate had found a wonderful boyfriend and pulled her life together via group therapy, as recounted in the New York Times best-selling Group, also a Reese's Book Club pick. Then an older woman friend suggested that she examine why she had so much trouble with friendships, which launched a journey through past mistakes and Tate's sense of apartness since childhood.
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Starred review from November 28, 2022
In her heartfelt memoir, Tate (Group: How One Therapist and a Circle of Strangers Saved My Life) reflects on the implosion of her past female friendships. When Tate overheard her married friends discussing motherhood at her wedding rehearsal dinner, she realized that her fiancé’s proposal hadn’t fixed her inability to stay close to other women. Tate recalls her turbulent history of making and losing friends: elementary school alliances were marked by the desire to fit in with the popular girls, while as a high schooler, Tate’s friendship with homecoming queen Lia dissolved after she prioritized an alcoholic boyfriend. Tate’s friendship woes followed her into adulthood: the “uneasy triangle” she formed with her friends Marnie and Emily reminded Tate of the fraught relationship between herself, her mom, and her sister, and she ghosted her running partner, Callie, after getting engaged. But the bond Tate forms with Meredith, an older woman whom she meets in a 12-step meeting, changes her perspective. Tate takes accountability for her actions (“I’m a work in progress”), and she captures the transformative power of friendship: “It feels like being known and cherished and held tightly.” Readers will be moved by this outstanding portrait of self-excavation. Agent: Amy Williams, Williams Company.
January 15, 2023
A memoir about the author's lifelong struggle with female friendships. In this intensive yet refreshing self-analysis, Tate, the author of Group: How One Therapist and a Circle of Strangers Saved My Life, dissects the nature of her bonds with women. The author recalls ghosting most of her friends in Texas when she relocated to Chicago for college, then letting all of her graduate school friendships "wither, quickly and fatally," in favor of placating an alcoholic boyfriend. As Tate demonstrates, this legacy extends back to grade school, when she sacrificed bonds with girls for popularity and dating, all while dealing with low self-esteem, shame, and anxiety. Nearing 50, Tate reflects on a lifetime of friendships from which she had "withdrawn, drifted away, lost touch." She also let insecurities about her relationships with her mother and sister distort what could have developed into significant bonds with other women. Therapy sessions only helped so much, barely addressing Tate's internalized fears of female competition or jealousy or allowing her to disarm "the lie of my own unworthiness." In 1998, the author met older, wiser Meredith at a 12-step recovery program meeting in Chicago, and her future brightened. After Meredith coached her to perform the "emotional labor" necessary to confront her issues, they enjoyed an immensely rewarding friendship for over a decade, until Meredith's terminal cancer diagnosis. Tate's chatty exposition tends to blunt some of the heftier core points about the importance of unpacking one's psychological baggage and the value of establishing deeper interpersonal bonds. Nonetheless, after making cathartic amends to several of the people she ghosted along the way, the author clearly appreciates and respects the idea of female friendship and holds herself fully accountable for her mistakes. Readers will grasp the amount of work it takes to cultivate and preserve these kinds of bonds. A meaningful, memorable journey from inner pain to honest, open, and enduring friendship.
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January 1, 2023
In close parallel to her debut, Group (2020), Tate's second memoir is another long look at a lifetime's work of healing relationships. Where Group focused on self and romantic attachment within a therapeutic circle under the leadership of Dr. Rosen, B.F.F. focuses on Tate's friendships with other women--whom she normally ghosts when problems arise--under the mentorship of Meredith, an older friend Tate met in eating-disorder recovery groups. Tate is shocked to learn she's not done with relational work after she gets engaged. Meredith's encouragement, after-meeting coffees, and vulnerable disclosures help Tate become a ""good enough"" friend who, after years, can feel more love and connection with friends rather than anger and jealousy. Both memoirs are unique in Tate's willingness to take a long, candid look in an objectively unflattering mirror: she was not a good friend for a long time. Written in three understandable, relatable parts--""What It Was Like,"" ""What Happened,"" ""What It's Like Now""--Tate's book shows readers how deep the work had to go for her to change.
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